everyday with my son

Small stories of how it all went along

Archive for the tag “depression”

Whew! That was a close call. I thought that is the end of it.
I suffered Diarrhea for about 10 days and it made me badly weak and dizzy, I had to go to the bathroom for about 10 times a day, for 10 days and it was really horrible. I was sent to the hospital at 2am and they pumped IV fluids in me. On the 9th day it still wont stop and I went to a Gastroentrenologist for help, she gave me a new set of meds and if that wont work I need to go thru Colonoscopy. Now that was a deal breaker, Colonoscopy is something I am not willing to do, it is embarrassing and expensive. SO if it will come to that I have to choose the easy way out.

I am fine with losing my life, as I had reached my peak and all seems to go downhill. I think the best part of my life and the best me was over.
Though I am ok with dying, I am not ready now. We are on the early stages of building our house, Kenzo will start at his big school and Liam has not been to the US with Kenzo yet.
I need to tick a few more boxes before I am ok to go, I think hopefully within 5 years, surely it should be.

 

Update: All is well and back to normal.  

What a question.

Kenzo just a few hours ago complained about his asthma and his itchy body and  asked us “why are these things happenning to me?”

I knew Kenzo is kinda like me and I am scared of it. I am suffering from PDD or Dysthmia or three decades now and the way Kenzo forward his question ,silently I knew, he is capable of deep thought, critical thinking, introspection, self analysis etc. Which are good things but also all of those can be a good push towards depression.

At an early age, he is already being hard on himself, maybe starting to dislike his situation, perhaps starting to realized that he is not getting a fair deal from life and these scared me. I knew how painful depression is and how it can ruin anyone and now I am faced with the possibility that I might have passed this gene to my kid.

Kenzo just broke his arm and was just healed a week ago, but now he has asthma and some rashes all over his body. He is in a bad state and the month of March and April has not been good to him.

When I was asked that question. I dont know the answer and I just gave the best BS i can think of. I just said, “he gotta do good things as good things will happen to those who do nice things” I asked his mum to massage him, I put on Vicks on his foot and covered it with socks, we  put Calmoseptine on his rashes and sang him a lullaby.

Kenzo is one brillant kid but I think his pre-disposition to sadness can be a hurdle to get what he wants in life… I just hope he will snap out of it and not fall the way I did.

We. Bad. Parents.

We are the worst parents, but mostly it is just mum whose voice showered the neighborhood with loud curses, nags, commands etc.. to a strangers who would pass by and hear her would think that our kids (mostly it is Kenzo) was being tortured, but really I think he is already, traumatized and scarred for life from all the nagging, emotional and psychological punishment he got from his mum.

Now since I stopped taking my Zolodin, I get to be easily upset with his noise and his mum.  When Kenzo will act stubborn,  whine, fakes his cry his mum will shout loudly, curse and say really bad things to the kid.  She will shout, get mad to scare Kenzo to stop it.. but Kenzo will be more scared and end up crying more. It would be a cycle everytime, in the morning before going to work and at night after work. I used to be just passive (as much as I can)  and would just go and hide in my room and let all the noise settle but since I am off Zolodin, I think I can easily lose my patience as well.

I used to take the “good cop” role but now mum and I are both the bad cops. Kenzo is on the receiving end of all these and the saddest part he is only 6 years old.

Honestly, I am now without patience to deal with Kenzo. I am very close in hurting him physically. I will not be surprised that one day he will get welts and bumps. I just cannot control all the noise. I am struggling to control my anger.

I think we are stuck in a deep shit that we (but mostly his mum) created. She spoiled Kenzo and no matter how I try to correct her ways before, she is too stubborn to even listen and just like in many things in our household that my thoughts dont carry any weight, I am just an added noise in the house.

I used to offer suggestion on how we should do our parenting and maybe ( if I am heard) we had not created Kenzo to be bratty, defiant kid. But all my thoughts to his mum are just nothing bookish theories.

We created all these troubles that kenzo is in and now we are punishing kenzo for all the issues we dug for him. WE are indeed stupid and bad at the same time. Sorry Kenzo but life gave you us, the worst parents on the planet.

Dysthmia

For several  months now I have been taking Zolodin ( Sertraline ) as prescribed to me,  it did make me feel quite OK but more or less am I still the same. The doctor told me that I have also give myself a boost, to keep myself active, to have a goal, to have a reason to go on. But that in itself is hard, if I will set a goal for myself I want it grand and challenging otherwise I will not be happy about it. I have a few in mind like entering Law school but that is expensive and long… but right now that is what is challenging to me that I might want to take up but reality of it I am not sure, as I am already old to go back to it and I might end up just wasting money.

So the search for a challenge continues. Right now what really keeps me going is just reading endless books currently I am reading memoir of JP Enrile and  world history is my new favorite topic. Life is boring, slow as I am not on anything that will “wake me up”.

I also have  alprozolam as back up for social anxiety, I have not really taken it except for a tablet as there is no need, scared to be addicted to it and it make me sleepy.

So there, the battle is still ‘on” and hopefully soon I will raise my white flag and get out of the race and quit… maybe.

USA / Bay Area trip 2

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Kenzo spent his first Saturday with his mum and they went to Livermore for shopping. Great thing his cousin princess went with them and he has someone to play with while toggling with his  mum. We were not together on that first day, as I stayed in Menlo.  While they were in Livermore I was with my sister family, we ate at this fancy, healthy resto in Palo Alto, we shop at Safeway for Kenzo and borrowed stuff at the library.

The next day we are all to go to Monterey.

We picked them at San Lorenzo in East bay and since Princess slept over with them we decided to bring her too to Monterey. It was a nice cold drizzling day and I was kinda excited to see Kenzo’s reaction to explore the bay area. I am also worried at that time on how he will react considering it is a long drive up north.

When we reached Monterey it was really cold, and wet. Kenzo, since very unaccustomed to cold had complained a lot about the (8-12 degrees) cold. We were in the parking lot’s elevatot with other local tourist when Kenzo keep on shouting his battle with the weather. We panicked a bit and headed straight to a tourist shop to buy a new hoodie to be worn over his existing hoodie.

We went to the Monterey aquarium museum with princess in tow. Sadly he did not enjoyed it that much and was quite bored in it. We were not able to go around the whole area as Kenzo is not too amazed looking at the marine animals. The only thing he enjoyed there was the area where there was a splashing waves which made him go ga-ga. Next stop was Luigi’s Linguine our usual stop at Monterey and dippin dots for some dessert.

The drive home was unevetful except for a few tantrums and complaints from Kenzo as he started to get bored.

This trip made me realized that Kenzo might not be able to handle long drives, that makes our planned trip to LA in questioned now. Monetery is just a mere 2 hour drive and we had encountered hitches and bawling what more if we cruised to LA for 6 hours.

When we reached Menlo he stayed home with me while Princess and Mum went out with Pinky for another round of shopping.

interestingly, when his mum was not around he acted maturely, a nice kid. This is about the start where we realized that he make be acting up when his mum is around.

The next grand trip for Kenzo happened at  Great America in Santa Clara Calif. That was when pure fun happened. He gets to experenced his first carousel ride, his first roller coaster, his first amusement park and he was really giddy and happy with that trip. We can all see how happy he was and how he enjoyed it. The picture above was taken there and he did not get a bored moment while there.

That Great America trip was one for the books and we are truly happy we were there.

Good, clean amusement parks are one you cannot get in PH, we do have a few but nothing like in the states. Add cool weather, clean air and you got a great amusement park experience.

In between trips, I bring Kenzo to the playgrounds. At around the start of this blog I already wished Kenzo to hopefully get to play in these play areas. 4 years when I saw playgrounds in Melbourne and Sydney I wished  Kenzo to be able to play there and now finally in the states I made sure to bring him.

The first Playground we visited was the one in Menlo Park, after our trip to a  Cupertino Mall we stopped by to play, which is walking distance to Susie’s house.

There, as I expected, he enjoyed the long slides, nice swings and playhouses. Unlike his playground in our village where swings are covered with rust, see saw is dangerous and the area itself are littered with trash and sharp rocks.

After a few visit there we transferred to another playground, which is bigger and has more and longer slides. It also has a humongous play field where kids can play baseball, football etc. it is one perfect, heavenly playground.

There is also a day where Eric, Susie, Ginger and Sam came  to play with us. We played football and volleyball on the open field. That was the day when we left mum to shop more and around 6pm we picked her then end the day by eating at WingStop.

The day followed that was the best, we went playground hopping. We started at Menlo, moved to the uber rich are of Atherton and back to school playground in Menlo. In between that was a meal at In and Out. This is the best play Kenzo got with us, he truly enjoyed that one mainly because Sam played with him and he got to experienced variety of play obstacles. The next day we did the same playground hopping but this time with mum and before that they also went to buy meal at Menlo Park’s food trucks. We brought the meal at Atherton and had a picnic there.

to be continued…

 

 

 

 

 

Whoa!

I woke up around midnight gasping for air for a bit. It is not something that can kill but I know there is something heavy on my chest. It is uncomfortable and I know right away there is something strange, it is new to me as this is the forst time I felt this. In the last couple of weeks everytime I would eat ‘deadly’ food like Liempo, Taba ng baboy in a sinigang, sisig, crispy pata.. my head will feel a bit heavy and a bit dizzy. Last night was a first, heaviness on my chest and the feeling of difficulty swallowing or the feeling of something is stuck in my throat. I thought going back to sleep would be hard but after a few hours of being awake, checking my twitter feeds on Aldub and overthinking what was happenning I got back to it and woke up at 630.

This morning though the sensation is still there I still continued my daily routine as if all were normal, as I plan to be nonchalant about it. When I was cleaning the house earlier (and even now as I am typing this blog post) I can still feel that shortness of breath and that something is stuck on my throat.

I am not worried about heart attack but I am scared as hell of a stroke. i prefer to be killed in one swipe than be partially killed and be a burden to everyone. I hope this can lead to immediate death than a slow and expensive death.

I would not consider myself as obese but I think I am about 10-20
lbs overweight. I have not been excercising because the sport I love (running) is now impossible due to my long time battle with ‘Plantar’. My diet is very unhealty and my routine is quite sedantary. I am sure all of this are leadng me to a fate that might come earlier than expected. I plan to be hush-hush about this and not get medical attention to fix it. let it run its course and if this will normally heal or will lead to death I dont care.

I am not afraid of death, in fact, my kinda welcome it. I think I have lived a full life and I already reached my peak physically(health, mental, appearance etc ) and all are now slowly going downwards. I had a fine life but not really something that can be called oustanding. Life is a long journey and I think that mine is about the end. I got nothing to look forward to now except milestones of Liam and Kenzo, a few nice Aldub episodes, a few travel back to US and AUS, a good coffee and a chit chat, a good book… overall If I can go now it is just fine with me. If this is nearing the end so be it.

I am not a perfect parent ( iam not even good) and I dont have the monoploy of good deeds so If ever I would leave this earth I dont think It would be much of a dent to Kenzo and Liam’s life. I am fine if I am around but they will still be fine without me. in other words, I am not that of a big deal.

A kinda really bad day

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And then it happened. Morning of 28 Sept we decided to go to the hospital as liquid discharge started to seep out. We ate our breakfast, fix our things and made last few mental notes on what else needed to be done. I brought Kenzo to Momsie’s house and we precoeeded right away to the hospital.

AT the emergency room we were recieved by the staff. The room was not that busy and all seems to be in a fine sunday mood. I waited alone in an area while they check on mum. This is the time I realized that this whole thing is now about to happen. Personally it is happy to raise a kid but financially I know it will break us, which is exactly the reason why I NEVER wanted another kid (but more on that on my next post).

The last confinement of Tereh already slashed our funds but the other sad part of it is that confinement is not really needed, she was misdiagnosed, and we just burned money for nothing. Anyway, that last hospital bill made a hole on our pockets and in about two months after we are here again for another round of hospitall bills.

That is what I am telling Tereh all this time, raising a kid is very expensive and if we have two kids both of them will share our limited funds instead of just kenzo enjoying it all.

At around 10:30 am Tereh was brought to the delivery room and I was asked to get a room and wait there for instructions. At around lunch her Cervix still has not progressed to more than 3cm and I am told to wait more. At 1pm, I got a call from the Ob Gyne that Tereh’s water bag broke but her Cervix is still small and that we might need to do a CS operation. I took her advice and I was asked to signed a waiver.

I waited for a about an hour more and then I got a call that the baby was out and I can now see him in the nursery. I immediately rushed to see him and was happily surprised to see that he looks like Kenzo but just with a fairer skin and a bit smaller than his huge brother. I thought all is fine.

After the nursery, I went to the delivery room to check on Tereh. I was received by her Dr. Perpetua Gonzales and I was told that she accidentally slashed a 2cm cut on the bladder. That they are now contacting a Surgeon and a Urologist to fix the error. I was shocked by this news and I am even speechless on what would I have to do or even say. How can that happen? How stupid can they get?

Another operation was admistered and it took them about 3-4 hours before I learned that it was finished and she was just recovering. After 12 hours lying in the operation table and getting two rounds of operation they brought her to the regular room. She looked like a war victim and not someone who just brought out a beautiful kid to the world. Physically she was a mess, a catheter was inserted and a bag that collects blood was hanging from her side. She was weak and dazed.

after 4 days, the day we are about to be discharged, another bad news happened. Her doctor stalled signing the discharge until the afternoon while she already verbally told us that we can leave already that morning. But how can we leave without her discharge? We prefer to leave before the hospital cutoff of 12pm so that we wont have to paying for another day of hospital use. But NO! Her doctor has the gall to stall us, she was nowhere to be found, and only appeared in the afternoon few hours after the cutoff—which means addtional expense for us.

The total hospitall bill is paralyzing. It was the first time in my life that I am faced with not knowing how to find the money to pay the bills. Our bank accounts are not enough to cover the huge bill, considering that we still have not recovered from the last hospital bills. At that time when the bill was in front of me my mind was scampering on how to get the money.

The huge bill is for the Cs operation, nursery care, Pedia and the most painful the second operation that includes urologist, Ob Gyne, Surgeon etc.

We struggled to find how to get the money until I am forced to tap into my mother’s bank account without her knowing it. We are now literally maxed-out and in the brink of insolvency.

What should have been a great day turns ot the darkest day of my life. we are faced with the reality that our life financially have violently shifted to worst. What we are a few months back was not the case now. Our comfortable life had tipped to the other side. We now have to sacrifice and sadly Kenzo will have too.

But OVER AND ABOVE all my worries, we got a very nice, very cute, wonderful baby.

Tolerance

I have been tolerant of Kenzo’s actions and from the begining I prefer to act the role of the ‘good cop’ but as time passed I am pushed to my own limits it led me to act a bit hard. Just the other night, I tried for several times to make him stop hitting but he wont and everytime I would asked him to stop he will comeback with another round of force. Then I snap and really got mad, I would not call it all out violence but it is one of few times that really gave him a hard time.

After asking him to stop hitting, I said to stop and I warned him that’ll be MAD if he wont. I even counted to warn him more, but he still continued then I reacted by shouting, grabing his arms and brought him outside the room. I went even further by bringing him to our attic with an intention of leaving him there, I also locked him out but her mum intervene for me to stop.

He immediately said sorry, just like he always do. He would try to hug to show he is sorry, and when we hug that is the time I felt he is shaking from crying in fear, then I feel sorry for what I have done.

He cried for maybe 10 minutes and shook for about half that time. It was a real tough situation and I know if only I have a choice or I can be more tolerant ( but kinda hard now as I am now in a very stress situation) I would and should have not done it.

Discipline is a tricky thing. the line that cross discipline and violence is a thin one.

DLSZ

It is common for anyone to compare ourselves to the people around us. We compare our fashion, wealth, assets etc.. we instinctively do that to feel good about ourselves and to know what to aspire for, but sadly most of the time it just make us sick knowing that we dont have what others enjoy.

As they say, grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, this is true to most adults or even kids. That is the point of my argument earlier, I think Kenzo should be put in an school environment where he can easily adapt. Earlier today, we were discussing what grade school Kenzo will enroll in. I said not to put him in an elite (for really rich kids) school but just on the average middle class school. Not on those class A-B types but just on the B-C type because in reality that is where we belong. I think, Kids can be brutal at times and if any kid is placed in a world where he/she is seen as “poor” compared to the norm, this can have an affect on his confidence. The way I see it, it is gonna be tough to any kid to always financially compare himslef to his peers. (It is gonna be hard to always ask why others have this and that but not me.) Kids and teens still has a developing self image and placing anyone in that situation can be a challenge to them to hurdle.

If I have my way, I want life easy for him as he adjust from being a kid to a nice young man…. but that is just me.

IMHO

Parents with too many kids, with more than they can handle, should not complain of being a stressed-out. Firstly, it is not the fault of the kid that you did not intelligently plan your family. Secondly, being an adult you should have known of the consequences and the many years of responsiblity attached to being a parent.

The thing I detest is when I see parents failure to juggle their job responsibilities and being a parent would complain about being stressed with dealing with their kid’s tantrums, noise, mess and all those things kids do by being kids.

My take on it, before pulling down your underwear, the parent (or would be parent) should take note of all the issues (not just the cute stuff babies do) and hard work in taking care of a baby. In advance they should know how to balance life, work, and parenting.. and if everything can run smoothly, that can be the right time, IMHO.

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