Early yesterday morning we visited Momsie. We brought Liam and Kenzo to see her for the first time, since we brought her home. Prior to her stroke almost everytime when she knows her grandkids are dropping by to visit, she will always be there out of her house and already near the car even before we were able to open the car door and get off.
Almost everytime she is there smiling and anticipating once the car door opens her gtandkids will sprang out to see her. Often she will meet the kids clapping, singing a La-La-La song with a little dance.
But that morning was all different. No momsie was there to greet us when we arrived, no La-la-la tune etc.
For the second time (first was in the hospital) Liam and Kenzo saw her in her current state. Liam a bit scared and Kenzo cannot even looked at her. Late in that day, I got curious and I asked Kenzo why did he not talked to momsie or even looked at het. Kenzo answered “dad, she looks ugly now.”
Yeah, his momsie has changed physically. She is very thin now, her body almost drying, a bit twisted and her physical state is wretched, her mouth opened, tube thru her nose, her left side is practically dead and her right hand involuntarily and constantly tapping. Maybe to Kenzo she is not seeing momsie anymore but another person far from the momsie he knew. Maybe it is hard for him to reconcile what is happening and why momsie has to be in that situation.
While Liam (being a happy kid) still tried to do his tiny stunts of saying “Hi” and “Bye” and his flying kiss but while doing that he was holding his mom tightly, maybe scared.
Too bad, all the things before cannot happen again. Momsie cannot play with her grandchildren like how she used to do. She cannot carry Liam and sway her to sleep, she cannot feed Kenzo sausages or banana to Liam. All of those nice thing are all gone.
Maybe in a few years I will be in momsie’s place, lying in the hospital bed sick and dying. I will see Liam and Kenzo full grown men, while thay about to start their life, I am about to lose mine. Perhaps, I will wished I can turn back the time (ironically ) to now, 2016, to play with them more and be the best I can be for them.
Life is indeed mysterious, a puzzle, a joke, happy, sad, cruel and crtazy all mixed together. Sadly we cannot predict the future and the ending of it and truthfully, when I am thinking about it, it scares me. I am scared how my life will run and how and when it will stop, hopefully quietly and peacefully.