I woke up around midnight gasping for air for a bit. It is not something that can kill but I know there is something heavy on my chest. It is uncomfortable and I know right away there is something strange, it is new to me as this is the forst time I felt this. In the last couple of weeks everytime I would eat ‘deadly’ food like Liempo, Taba ng baboy in a sinigang, sisig, crispy pata.. my head will feel a bit heavy and a bit dizzy. Last night was a first, heaviness on my chest and the feeling of difficulty swallowing or the feeling of something is stuck in my throat. I thought going back to sleep would be hard but after a few hours of being awake, checking my twitter feeds on Aldub and overthinking what was happenning I got back to it and woke up at 630.
This morning though the sensation is still there I still continued my daily routine as if all were normal, as I plan to be nonchalant about it. When I was cleaning the house earlier (and even now as I am typing this blog post) I can still feel that shortness of breath and that something is stuck on my throat.
I am not worried about heart attack but I am scared as hell of a stroke. i prefer to be killed in one swipe than be partially killed and be a burden to everyone. I hope this can lead to immediate death than a slow and expensive death.
I would not consider myself as obese but I think I am about 10-20
lbs overweight. I have not been excercising because the sport I love (running) is now impossible due to my long time battle with ‘Plantar’. My diet is very unhealty and my routine is quite sedantary. I am sure all of this are leadng me to a fate that might come earlier than expected. I plan to be hush-hush about this and not get medical attention to fix it. let it run its course and if this will normally heal or will lead to death I dont care.
I am not afraid of death, in fact, my kinda welcome it. I think I have lived a full life and I already reached my peak physically(health, mental, appearance etc ) and all are now slowly going downwards. I had a fine life but not really something that can be called oustanding. Life is a long journey and I think that mine is about the end. I got nothing to look forward to now except milestones of Liam and Kenzo, a few nice Aldub episodes, a few travel back to US and AUS, a good coffee and a chit chat, a good book… overall If I can go now it is just fine with me. If this is nearing the end so be it.
I am not a perfect parent ( iam not even good) and I dont have the monoploy of good deeds so If ever I would leave this earth I dont think It would be much of a dent to Kenzo and Liam’s life. I am fine if I am around but they will still be fine without me. in other words, I am not that of a big deal.