I can smell and feel the end. It is just there, one left turn and it is there. It is now soo near. It is terrifying but I am still going.
End is painful but maybe I wanted it too. I feel tired to go on and it is getting tough to push through.
The most gripping part to all this is seeing Kenzo unaware of the things happening around him. I can still see him happily doing is own little ways and not knowing that my short time is almost up. He still happily jump to me, throw is usual tantrums, ask me to play with him. and still laugh with me without knowing what will happen next.
But am I really needed?
Except for always cutting his straw in almost perfect length for his Yakult I am pretty useless.
I can haul him to my shoulder and make him tower over many people in the mall, other than that, I am pretty useless.
I can clean his room nicely but still I am pretty useless.
Yes, I will defend and protect him until death but I am unimportant.
I can do some good things but at the end of all of it I am not a wonderdad. If I continue I will just be a big inconvenience to him, a burden, another heavy load to carry. Hopefully, my son will understand someday, somehow he will be a bit better without me…really.