everyday with my son

Small stories of how it all went along

Archive for the month “January, 2014”

END.

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I can smell and feel the end. It is just there, one left turn and it is there. It is now soo near. It is terrifying but I am still going.

End is painful but maybe I wanted it too. I feel tired to go on and it is getting tough to push through.

The most gripping part to all this is seeing Kenzo unaware of the things happening around him. I can still see him happily doing is own little ways and not knowing that my short time is almost up. He still happily jump to me, throw is usual tantrums, ask me to play with him. and still laugh with me without knowing what will happen next.

But am I really needed?

Except for always cutting his straw in almost perfect length for his Yakult I am pretty useless.

I can haul him to my shoulder and make him tower over many people in the mall, other than that, I am pretty useless.

I can clean his room nicely but still I am pretty useless.

Yes, I will defend and protect him until death but I am unimportant.

I can do some good things but at the end of all of it I am not a wonderdad. If I continue I will just be a big inconvenience to him, a burden, another heavy load to carry. Hopefully, my son will understand someday, somehow he will be a bit better without me…really.

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She dont get it (depression).

I got the news and I was devasted. I thought we are on the same page in planning the family but was misled.

It is not that I hate kids (maybe a bit) but I know I cannot handle them. I have been vocal about this but was always dismissed like it was a joke. Depression is a severe stuff and sadly filipinos stupidly thought it can be easily cured with drinking beer, partying, going to the beach or praying. Non-sufferers just do not get it that we are struggling day and night.

It is tough for us to just go on to be alive, more if we are a parent and it will going to be toughest if you have several kids to take care of. Sufferers struggle to just stand up and face the day, that alone is hard and you can just imagine how it will going to be with a kid or kids expecting us to be a dad.

As much as I can, I try to (even though it is a struggle) to sweep my temperament ‘under the rug’ and function as normal as possible. I always have to be CONCIOUSLY aware that I need to be happy and dandy and never (if possible) show grief. Just like a clown the put on a make-up, colorful costume and a shiny red nose I put on a show everyday I am with my son. Not showing the truth that behind my laughter are shadows of pain.

“Then pay for it!”

You are always bound to lose an argument when you don’t have money and the rebuttal against your points are “then pay for it!”.

When I complain (how I don’t like the style, color etc) about clothes that was just purchased, I will get a reply “you don’t like that? then get a new one and PAY FOR IT!”

“I think we should just enroll him now to an affordable school and just transfer at High School.”

“Then pay for it”

“I think a less luxurious house will be better than…”

“Then pay for it.”

“Then pay for it.” is such a glorious response to a man without much and has virtually no self-esteem. It is straight to the point and like a sword slashing a major artery, death is assured and painful.

When you know you don’t have enough liquidity to back up your arguments, it is likely that you will just fold, shut up AND NOT BE A PART IN ANY OF IT.

The solution I have to all of this is just to be quiet and not be a part of the process. If she want her dream house and burn all her savings on it because she is paying for it, then GO but ain’t gonna be a part of it.

Toddler = Mess

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One drawback of always wanting to have a clean room/house is doing the seemingly unending cleaning, especially if you have a kid.

Kenzo is one firecracker around the house plus he has a mountain of toys and this combination can make my desire for order a bit unrealistic.

I like order and a house that is quite clean. It gives me a high to see clean spaces, quite relaxing honestly, but saddly in an instant it can turn a pristine room to a disaster-crime scene-play area. It is tough to keep the order unless you have the energy to keep on cleaning as fast as Kenzo do the scattering.

In the middle of the seemingly endless picking up of toys, I wonder maybe it is better to just let things messy and just clean at the end of the day rather than race to clean every half an hour and just face the danger of accidentally hurting myself by stepping on the very painful LEGO blocks resting on the floor.

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